Because sometimes Spring Training baseball adventures require a dictionary, a translator, a pop culture aficionado, a navigator, a conspiracy theorist…
Armpit Effect, The: Something that isn’t exactly what it appears to be. See Also: A 10 that quickly and unexpectedly becomes a 7.
Bingo!: When one steps foot inside an establishment only to realize they shouldn’t be there. Traditionally reserved for those with darker complexions, but could include lighter variations when appropriate.
Busting A Posey: That awkward moment when you share more than you should have and regret it seconds later. Strangely, this phenomenon typically happens between grown men.
Cactus Justice: A rare moment when morality strikes and a selfless act occurs. Like walking an elderly lady across a busy intersection… or calling the police on some under-aged fraternity fun at a crowded restaurant (just for example).
Clarkson: When something doesn’t kill you, but makes you stronger. Strangely, these moments are often denoted by a moving image of a flabby bicep.
Desert Blue Hair: An increasingly common phenomenon in remote swimming pools on the outskirts of the deserts of Arizona. These wild things are known for swimming through deep pools of water to attack their prey. Caution: Can be aggressive.
Extract: The act of removing something from its inherent environment and placing it somewhere else, usually to create a more favorable outcome.
Float: A non-commitment or an agreement to do something halfway. Commonly relates to one’s seeking of pleasure. Exact origin is unknown, but evidence suggests the concept to have roots in both the Rexburg, ID and Provo, UT regions. I’m not exactly eager to wolf down a Big Mac, but I’d float one.
Golden Corral, The: An area, diamond-like in shape, that possesses a high refractive index despite being surrounded by total darkness. More likely to be made visible and prominent when paired with hot pants.
Gigolo, The: When pineapple juice dances with tequila and it’s passed off as a hydrating beverage.
Ham: As with Jeopardy, should be phrased in the form of a question: Ham? Also similar in that it single-ham-edly jeopardized Rakeman #1’s title in 2015.
Hot Pants: While there is still some confusion over the true definition of this term, we know with a high degree of certainty it has origins both at Lululemon and as a concession stand item alongside it’s sister elements: Popcorn and peanuts.
Negron Exception, The: A baseball fan of Puerto Rican descent who’s able to sustain longer periods in the sun than his counterparts.
Orange Shoes, The: If you were to meet the Mayor of Phoenix, and the Mayor of Phoenix took a liking to you, the Mayor of Phoenix might offer you the key to the city. Or these shoes. With them, anything is possible, including hugs and advances from strange, inebriated men at Talking Stick.
Round Table: A meeting of gentlemen for a certain and foreseen purpose that results in an uncertain and unforeseen outcome. Say for example you set out for pizza and some garlic knots and end up with a homeless guy and all of the ingredients for a positive HIV test.
Rubber-legging: Have you ever been in a swimming pool and watched someone remove their leg and almost drown in the process? We have. It’s called Rubber-legging. It’s kind of rare.
Shaky: A characteristic of the street cowboy that prohibits him from shaking hands. This is my boy, Cowboy. He’s shaky as sh*t.
Trinidad and Tobego: The exact moment when a man is telling a story and you realize, “This mofo is off his rocker!” AKA: a T&T tale.